Sad News is Bringing Me Back

Disclaimer: I am absolutely aware of how selfish all this is about to sound but I have been holding this in for well over a week and I need to let it loose.

My (in our hearts, not blood) sister's mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 8 months ago. The cancer spread to her bones and she broke her left arm the day before Thanksgiving and her right arm just after Christmas.

She passed away yesterday. Saturday, January 28th, 2012 at 10:35 am. She was 56.

My sister didn't want to be at the hospital when her mom passed and I am so thankful that her dad, her daughter, and I were there with her at the house instead.

What do you do? What do you do when a loved one hears such awful news that we all knew was inevitable but still the hardest thing to realize? I froze in my tracks, started to shake, and just had to let my sister go when she walked passed me to go to the restroom and cry. I didn't have the nerve to follow her in there because I felt she needed space. Her dad finally went in there with a tissue and her daughter finally noticed that everyone was out of the room.

She asked me "I wonder what they said about Grandma" and I just had shrug and croak out an "I don't know sweetie" because I knew it wasn't my place to tell her the news. I thought the night I was present when my sister told her Grandma was dyeing was the hardest thing I've ever had to witness. I held in all my tears and waited for my sister to collect herself, as best as she could, and tell her.

A few tears fell when us girls were hugging on the couch and my sister decided it was time to make phone calls since family would be on their way to the hospital in the morning. Her dad and I stepped in to make calls to family and friends, respectively. My sister went to get ready for all the arrivals and her dad suggested we start cleaning the place up as I was sitting in a haze on the couch.

I needed the distraction from my emotions and to focus on something. Especially something I knew I could do to help. By the time I was finished, people were arriving and my niece was fighting for attention since my sister's dad was greeting everyone. I sat and read with her for quite awhile until she decided that wasn't enough and set up a chair to read to everyone in the room. Thank goodness for my niece to keep everyone laughing and focused on her instead of the sadness lingering in the air.

The rest of the day was a bit of a blur between finding silly things to laugh at, to watching a Monarch butterfly flitter in front of the house, to blinking back tears at all the memories that I was flooded with sitting on the front porch.

The family went to dinner and the friends (including myself) took my niece to rent a movie and get pizza. I was grateful my sister went with the idea since I was terrified of sitting at a dinner that I couldn't get up and walk away from if I needed a moment.

I finally took my leave after everyone got back from dinner. I said goodbye, packed up my stuff in the trunk, and as soon as the car door was shut (and locked, it is Long Beach) and my butt hit the seat, I completely lost it. I didn't realize my sister's dad had been watching me from the window to make sure I got in my car okay, and as soon as I spotted him, I sped off as I was still hysterically crying. Probably pretty stupid, in hindsight.

After working up the nerve to call *someone* to talk to me the rest of the way home, I had to run through the people I could call at such a late hour (the list was short). My brother was at the bar and the next person I thought would be up was my best friend. Luckily she was at work and, as soon as I was able to form words, cried to her the rest of the way home and told her what happened.

*******

This will have to be continued at a later time when I can get the rest of my thoughts together.

"It is because of my wish to be helpful that I share my ideas and experiences; being helpful to even one person is valuable." - Dalai Lama

"This lifetime of ours is transient as autumn clouds. Impermanence makes every moment glorious and precious." - Deepak Chopra

Surviving the first week..

Ok, so that title is just an outright lie.

I still haven't done Day 2 of P90X. I did a Pilates session on Saturday and had class tonight. I skipped cycling yesterday to get my hair done after work. The problem I've been having is getting motivated again. I was on such a good streak the last month to better myself.....

Now that I'm sitting here thinking about it, I think work has been extremely difficult and frustrating lately. I don't like bringing work home but I feel like it's really affecting how I'm feeling in my personal life when I'm attempting new things. I don't want to feel the frustration of not being able to learn Italian as fast as I think I should, or disappoint myself when I don't keep up with my workouts on the schedule I planned. It's more like a guideline than actual rules..

Some coworkers tell me things in a degrading tone of voice, or ask me to do the same task numerous times like I've forgotten how to complete it. Working 8, sometimes more, hours in a day, that takes a lot out of you.

Boy, the above sounds really whiny for someone who was begging to have her job back. I'm just really stressed and need to get my butt in gear and start looking forward to going to work again. These past 3 weeks have been really draining and I just need to get past the frustration.

Speaking of work, I have an hour earlier start than normal tomorrow and I haven't even started the overhaul process of getting ready for bed.

"Up is down. Now that's just maddeningly unhelpful. Why are these things never clear?" ~ Cpt. Jack Sparrow Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Unexpected Arrival

I was anticipating that my P90X would arrive at the end of the month. To my surprise, I checked the mail after work and had a slip from the Post Office that said I had a package at the leasing office. That sent my mind reeling, as I was mentally prepared for this to show up much later. However, no time like the present, no?

I really had to work against the fates that the evening had for me just to get the workout completed. Running to Target, I gathered all my supplies (squashing what I had saved on the DVD set when purchased at a discount) and set to quickly assembling the pull-up bar that sits in the door way.

Only to find out the door that I wanted it in, the ceiling is too short and it won't fit. Okay, so I flipped it around and now it won't fit because the door is in the way. I decided I could take the door off it's hinges and just set it against the wall. So I get the bottom three screws off of the door and start to work on the top. The paint is so thick on the door that I can't even find the screws to get the door off. Grrr. Reattach the screws and look at the only other doorway in my place.

Plan B.

The door to my closet is my last hope and thank goodness it worked out and it fits (and yes, I did take the door off the hinges before I realized I didn't have to. Genius at work here, move along). I move the furniture, get my yoga mat out, change and hit play on the 1st DVD you're supposed to watch. This is the equivalent of "buy our supplements, bars, and protein shakes, abide by our diet or all the hard work you do in the workout won't be effective". Whatever, I'm trying to get stronger (and hopefully look better in the process) not train for a marathon.

Halfway through the video my phone rings and I have to deal with my dad not knowing how to navigate (ha!) his TomTom. I help him and at this point I'm sitting on my couch staring at the first DVD wondering if I do this if I'll survive. The infomercials look pretty intense, so I was nervous even to start.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Don't get me wrong, it was intense, but it wasn't impossible. I had to stop a few of them early, or slow down, but it wasn't discouraging at all. I'm thankful that there are options to turn off the guy's (Tony's) voice when you get used to the workout and just need the prompts to change the workout or listen to the counts. He gets a little irritating, but not to the point of distraction (yet).

Woke up sore this morning, but nothing that I wasn't used to and had a Pilates session this morning. I usually don't sweat too much, but I was a dripping mess today. Will be extremely sore tomorrow I'm sure. I'm skipping day 2 DVD and doing it on Sunday since I already worked out this morning. I'm not crazy enough to do 2 a days yet.

I'm pretty excited to see Tasha and hang out at Hamburger Marys tonight. I know things have happened, but I feel my head is in a better place and I know what to expect out of our friendship now. Nothing negative whatsoever, I just have compartmentalized my feelings and how to express them in a proper way without hurting feelings.

"Fitness -if it came in a bottle, everybody would have a great body." - Cher

Evaluating Happiness

A few things have happened this year to increase my motivation to really take the time for some self-evaluation. I've been having some serious problems watching, and letting, important friendships slip away, my lack of patience issues escalating (even more so than my normal smarty-pants-ness), and just general dissatisfaction with how I'm conducting my life.

I decided to make a few phone calls to my friends who by now (in my head) have an increasing agitation against me because we haven't spoken, only to find out that hey! Guess what? They lead busy lives, too. It was nice chatting with a few of my friends to find out what they've been doing, only when it came to my turn to share, the conversation was pretty much over (in all but 1 case). I've found I'm a much better listener than talker. I seem to be able to write about myself just fine because I'm minus a familiar audience and the normal broken flow of conversation.

Do you ever feel like once the conversation ball is in your court, you don't really want the attention, or your experiences will seem "boring" in comparison? I always do. I enjoy hearing my friend's trials and tribulations because a great majority of them are fantastic storytellers. I sometimes have opportunities to speak, but I'm too in tune if the listener has, well, stopped listening. So I arrive at a screeching halt and start asking questions and hope to engage the person to talk again.

This has unfortunately led me to bottle up a lot of animosity to my conversation partners and I've really been abusing this blog, where I normally would let all this stuff out. I want to keep this going so I can get my feelings out somewhere and out of my head, where they will stew and create a big, steaming, pot of bitter.

I recently purchased Rosetta Stone Italiano edition and have done a few sessions. Once I get a schedule together, I think it will really help me. I'm currently listening to Laura Pausini to keep the Italian words fresh in my head. I do have to admit, I'm surprised that I like French music much better. The language sounds so sexy, glamorous (yes, I just sang Fergie so I could spell that right!), and fun. Maybe it will be a different story once I'm not learning the language and I actually know it!

Last week, I attended an orientation for Big Brothers Big Sisters. I really hope to be a part of this organization and be involved in helping a little girl who doesn't get the attention that she needs to grow. I'm well aware I sound like a cheese-ball infomercial (and I would know). I just thought that with all the monetary aid that the world needs, I cannot donate to all the organizations that I would like, but time is something that is easily donated. I won't hear back for around 6 months on if more girls have joined the BBBS program, so it's plenty of time to get me back on track before I go try and be a good influence!

I've been reading more on the religious books that I purchased however long ago to educate myself on spirituality. I want to get a handle on my smart mouth and think before I speak, put myself in that person's shoes and just learn some patience. I seriously need to make a calendar tonight to make sure that I make time for all this! It's beginning to be a big list and about to get bigger...

I purchased P90X on Amazon last night and it should be here by the end of the month. I really feel like my body is at a plateau. I've been doing well going to Pilates and cycling, but I've gained weight! I don't think it's muscle either judging by my pants not fitting any looser than they did at the beginning. So I'm brining in the big guns - okay, so I was sold watching the informercial and way to close to my CC and the computer. At least I found it for $100 cheaper than they were selling it for! That's my justification and I'm sticking to it. They have a nutrition guide, but we'll see how much cow and pig they want you to eat (bleh). That may be the reason for the lack of clothes fitting, but I refuse to believe that I'm cheating that much. I also gave up on the food diary. I didn't like making myself feel guilty for indulging (see that right there? That is the definition of "ignorance is bliss").

Blogging - check

Italian language - half check

Exercise - Furniture is moved, I'm dressed, and ready for belly dancing (there's a reason people make bank off at-home exercise DVD's, I would never do this in a class)

I've recently started following Deepak Chopra on Twitter and I love reading all his (sometimes multiple) daily words of wisdom. He posts either his thoughts or shares quotes from others who have influenced him.

"To bring yourself love and happiness, do what you can to bring them to others". ~Deepak Chopra

"I have the feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.."

After re-reading my last post, I completely forgot about my idea of artfully blogging fashion daily. I did, however, start writing down what I've been eating every day to make me feel guilty when I walk by the meeting room full of goodies. So far, I've been mildly successful and am going to start grocery shopping every week (which I loathe, but need to keep healthy foods in the house).

I was lucky enough to receive a new camera for Christmas and really want to get back in the groove of taking a ton of pictures. I'm so used to having my camera with me and not being able to use the damn thing, that I still have the habit of bringing it with me, just not using it. I know, a bit of a waste, just one more thing to improve on this year.

In relation to the quote of my post, there was a tornado warning in Southern California this afternoon....chew on that for a minute. After the famous California earthquakes (although not very fair to complain about a 4.3 last year after the horrific Haiti 7.0 catastrophe), multiple fires, and craptastic celebrity Governators, you'd think this state could do without additional natural disasters. A tornado?!?! Good grief.

In other random news, I found out you can learn how to knit on YouTube. That website was the best idea someone ever had. You can find the most amusing, useful, stupid, and entertaining things all in one spot. I have all the tools to knit, just not the memory on how to get started. That first knot/loop thing (I forgot the name along with how to do it, it's only fair I forget both) is what always tripped me up. We'll see how it goes.

From the best movie I've seen in awhile:

Greatest deed Luke Skywalker ever did was take down the Death Star, right? As far as I'm concerned, that's what everybody needs. You need that one bad-ass thing that lets you live on forever, you know. ~Hutch from Fanboys

It's been a while.

Entirely too many things have happened since the last posting and I've had a lot on my mind lately, so it seemed like a good time to get it out (I've been neglecting yoga which is attributing to my hyperactive mind).

There was a death in my family in May, which I still haven't been able to process. It was sudden, and shocking when we received the news that my cousin's little boy had left us way too soon. That's all I can really articulate on the matter without getting weepy or start speculating on how the rest of my family is coping with this devastating news.

During this extremely hard time, I found out that I was being offered my old job back on a temporary basis. I have since been extended until the beginning of March. It has been a roller coaster of emotions going from being sad and angry about the lay off, then devastated about the death in the family, and finally, to a guilty exuberance of receiving good news during such a sad time.

I feel like I've been working ten times harder than I ever thought possible. I was given multiple responsibilities to add on top of my original duties, and it's made the days fly by. I miss the people who originally did these jobs, but I hope that I'm proving myself to be a good worker bee and I can keep my job. I really enjoy what I'm doing and, even with constant discouragement, I can't see myself anywhere else right now. Ok, enough about work.

On another positive slash negative topic. My birthday was this past Sunday and every year, I'm reminded about who actually gives a hoot about me, and the pool is getting smaller every year by the way, enough to call one day out of the year to tell me "happy birthday".

I planned a little party and wasn't sure how many people would be able to go because it was so last minute, but I didn't anticipate there would be so many last-minute cancellations and no-shows. The friends who did show up, were awesome and we had a great time. I really am lucky to have them in my life and for them to be so supportive of me, particularly this year.

I've finally decided to let go how some of the people in my life act because I'm tired of being disappointed by them about time, huh? I have realized that my perfectionism has trickled from my work ethic to my personal life. Huh. No wonder why I'm single. We're just full of revelations tonight!

On another fun birthday note, on top of my fantastic party this last weekend, I finally got to see my Dolphins play live! They lost, but they won on my birthday so it was good they finally got a win especially against the Bills. We're going to have a tough year with Pennington out, but I hope Henne will get better as he gets more game experience.

I was inspired by the movie Julie & Julia to start a type of blog. So I was thinking of doing a fashion one-a-day blog about all the interesting things people wear everyday, or maybe every weekend..... Or a blog about all the things I eat. I think the latter has been done before....heck, everything has a blog now. I'll mull it over for a few days since I've been contemplating getting a new camera that doesn't spit the battery at me every time I pick it up. This may be a fun new project to do.

He's all right! Aren't you, cat? Poor cat! Poor slob! Poor slob without a name! The way I see it I haven't got the right to give him one. We don't belong to each other. We just took up one day by the river. I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's. ~Holly Golightly Breakfast at Tiffany's

Holy Rusted Metal, Batman!

I've been watching way too many superhero flicks lately. The gravitational pull of a completely unrealistic environment is too appealing. I enjoy being lost in another world, even for just a couple hours. 

I watched Superman: The Movie for the first time last night and I really enjoyed it. I think I related to Superman and his constant battle to balance who he is (Kal-El) and who he has to pretend to be (Clark Kent).  Except for the opposite. I feel like I have to be Superman on the outside to hide the real me, Clark Kent. I put on this whole show of looking hard to find a job (which I really am), that the lay-off didn't affect me, and that I'm perfectly fine on my own. 

The truth?

Frustration isn't even the beginning of what I feel as I'm doing this job search and hoping that something comes up, quickly. I cannot stand the fact that I am having such a hard time falling asleep at night because I'm not physically, and mentally, tired from working all day. Not to mention I'm not mentally peachy keen at the moment.

I'm lonely. Achingly lonely and becoming more and more aware of how lonely I am every day. Being holed up during the week with only a computer and my thoughts is getting really dangerous. You would imagine having so much time to think would help me sleep peacefully, but it's the fact I have time to think about my aloneness, that's making my mind run 100 mph all the time. Running, almost to the point of obsession, the reasons why I'm still alone. These thoughts are usually always in the back of my mind and I don't deal with them often. 

I really dislike how I'm thinking right now because I'm not a "woe is me" kind of girl. I also feel that I don't have it nearly as bad as others that have been affected by the recession. There is no one, right now, that I feel comfortable discussing this with because I feel so selfish worrying someone with my thoughts where there's so much more going on in their lives. That no doubt trump what my overactive imagination is conjuring. 

"Am I blue, yes I'm blue, how could I have been such a fool, now look at all the misery I'm going through." -Am I Blue - George Strait